i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
