so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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