...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
