she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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