so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
