remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she peed on how many people?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize