my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
