I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
