I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
