Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
