The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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