You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
