My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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