A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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