see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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