There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
