Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize