I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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