So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
