Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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