Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
