party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
