Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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