drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
