How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
