my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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