if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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