i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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