Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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