Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
