made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
