I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
