i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
