nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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