I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
