can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
