You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize