A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
