I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
