i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
