Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
