You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
