uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize