my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
