ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
