She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
