I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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