Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
