put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
