Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
