It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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