you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize