Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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