i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
