A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
