I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
