Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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