I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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