I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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