dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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