I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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