What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Even the bartender felt bad for me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize